The twins birth was surreal. It felt like it took so long to come to fruition, but slipped down hill in an instant. I felt calm, as if I was in the eye of a storm and the drs, nurses, and even family were whirling around me fervently trying to stop this speeding train from crashing. I knew my life was in danger, but I didn't think about not surviving childbirth or being there for these two beautiful souls we created. Words like preeclampsia, risk of seizures and possibly death, magnesium treatments, 24hour mandatory bedrest; all flash in my mind like a horror movie trailer that could never be real. But they were, and I survived.
Going home from the hospital, I was informed of the immediate risks of a C-section and I took on the challenge to heal properly. I carefully picked up the twins, didn't push myself, and waited the 6 weeks to exercise, yada yada yada. When I was finally cleared to move faster than a snails pace; I naively thought I could dive right in. I knew it would be tough, but nothing could've prepared me for how I felt that first time exercising. I popped in a Jillian Michaels DVD my mom gave me, but I couldn't even do a jumping Jack. Quite literally I could not jump from feet together to feet apart. The climb out was daunting and I felt defeated before I even started.
There are many things they they don't tell you post C-section. The first is that your body will struggle for a long time after such trauma. It will be in a state of shock for a long time, holding onto every ounce of fat thinking it is in survival mode. Ride the wave, give yourself grace, and keep doing the things. It'll feel like you are walking thru mud and going nowhere but you are; so keep going.
They could've helped me along by simply sewing my abdominal muscles back together again but I didn't know to ask and they didn't offer. So they left me with ripped apart abdominal muscles with a 5 finger gap that would never heal properly; leaving me with absolutely no core muscles. Have you ever tried to stand up from the ground without using your core? It's exhausting and humiliating. I was on the ground a lot with the twins and it challenged my mental, physical, and emotional well-being every time.
No one told me that there was an actual reason I couldn't do a simple jumping Jack. I wasn't just out of shape. I no longer had abdominal muscles. I didn't recognize myself at all, I was lost as to how I would ever climb out of that hole, and I would spend the next 10 years hating this body that gave me my miracles. Everything felt foreign, like I was trapped in a Macy's day balloon, floating down the street. Demanding it change when it was impossible for it to even bend to my commands.
I was never once told about the risk of adenomyosis (endo's evil step sister) and it would be 10 years before I would learn the word. Hear me on this, every woman who has had a C-section NEEDS to know what this disease is. When they cut thru the uterus; there is a extremely high risk that some of the endometrial lining will transfer on the knife into the muscle it's cutting thru. Those cells then perform exactly as they did as part of lining. Bleeding every time you have your period but having nowhere to go so the uterus gets bigger and bigger and bigger- filled with blood. The symptoms are erratic and it's not on most doctors radar; so you must be your own advocate. If you feel crazy with all these different pains and symptoms, and you had a C-section. Go see a specialist. I've got resources for you to find one near you, just ask.
Adjusting to motherhood was a struggle. I was never formally diagnosed with postpartum depression but looking back there is no way I didn't have some form of it. It wasn't normalized or really talked about yet. Sure the dr asked questions like do you feel connected to your babies? Uh, yea I did. Do you want to harm yourself? No I didn't, my own body had that job down pat. So they send you on your way to deal with the heavy hormonal, emotional, sleep deprivation, and mental stresses on your own.
But I did have heightened emotional responses. This deep guteral reaction to want to scream and throw plates. A little Ally McBeal baby dancing in my head throwing the plates... a little scary, but mostly comical now. It took every ounce of willpower at times not to act on these new raging urges. Our marriage was challenged. My mom and I were butting heads for the first time in our lives. I felt as if I was treading water and my nose was just above the waters edge threatening to dip under.
I found a therapist that guided me beyond the changes motherhood brought. I learned a lot about myself and the childhood presumptions that manifested into adult beliefs. I faced why I had a visceral reaction to being a sahm. The guilt I carried for leaving my family at 18 to pursue my dreams, and how it manifested into creating my own obstacles to stop those dreams coming to fruition. I learned how an invisible disease and chronic pain shaped my perceptions, and realized the things I forced myself to do to try and compensate for it. I was shown a path to give myself grace.
Somewhere around 3 months we were given the thumbs up to nurse fully but by then we were in a good pattern and even though we tried for a few days it threw all of us out of sync. A few months later I wasn't producing enough naturally and we switched to formula full time. Scared of what pain my period would bring after I stopped nursing, I immediately went back on birth control continuously.
Since being diagnosed with endometriosis at 15; the goal was to manage the disease and pain until I was ready to have babies. We made it, but what always sat in the back of my mind was what happens after the babies. Will my pain come back? Will it be worse? Will I be able to care for these little humans? Did I deserve to be a mother when the pain could take me out at a moments notice? Was it selfish of me? These insecurities would settle in to the base of my skull to tarnish my thinking for years to come.
When I would have breakthrough periods - the pain was different. The dull pain in my lower back was always there, with the fear being it would escalate to the sharp knife wedged in my back, but it never did. I started cramping more, bloating, and my hips ached like they did when I was dancing 10 hours a day. The doctors were not concerned. Just threw some pain pills at me to get thru it and helped keep that steady dose of birth control coming my way. I was never offered an ultrasound which could have pointed us towards adeno; granted someone was aware of the possibility.
When the twins were 18months we moved from downtown Chicago to the east side of Cleveland for my husbands work. We were only meant to be there a couple years and then move on to open the next distribution hub, but that was not meant to be. We were pretty isolated out there and I dived into the mama of twins role. Geographical therapy only works when you are not trying to run from yourself, but from toxicity that is surrounding you, and we were finally able to breathe again.
My endo pain was status quo and we started dreaming of having another baby. One baby to hold as long as we wanted to, to not keep such a tight reign on schedules, and so we made an appointment at the Cleveland clinic IVF department. Upon their suggestion I came off the birth control to try naturally for a few months. Although a very scary concept; my pain had been less and sometimes after you get pregnant your body learns what to do and people like me can get pregnant naturally. I scoffed at that thought but following doctors orders we did and I kid you not; one month later we were pregnant. Naturally. We couldn't believe the miracle that was given to us and settled in to grow our family of four into five. The twins so excited to be a big brother and sister 💕
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