Women with Grit and Grace - Grandma Pat

Hi kids,

I played a trick tonight to get you to laugh and that allowed a bunch of memories to flood thru of a very important woman in my life. One that you never got to meet but whose love helped shape who I am today. She is the epitome of Grit and Grace, something we are talking alot about at work right now thru this quarantine. And as this time will forever shape your generation and change the way we live our lives, it's given me a chance to reflect and think.

Your Great Grandma Pat was one of a kind. She was feisty, and strong, and didn't take shit from anyone. If you saw her standing with her hands on her hips and staring you down, you know you did something wrong and you were gonna hear about it.

She had Mimi when she was only 19 and their relationship was a tough one in the beginning. My mom, Mimi never knew who her biological father was. It was a family secret that was never talked about so I didn't even know until I was in my 20's. When grandma finally gave her his name and Mimi asked why she kept it a secret, she said it was to protect her family. That's how things were back then, she was a single woman, pregnant and alone in the 50's. It had to have been tough. The summer before Mimi got sick, she shared Grandma's truths surrounding her biological father and asked me to help her find him; not to invite him into our lives but something she just wanted to know her whole life. We never got a chance to close that chapter for her before she died, but one I intend to someday. Mimi lived with her grandparents for many years when she was little; your great great grandfather Stanley and great great grandmother Anastasia - man does that make me feel old to say that! They were immigrants from Poland and came to America thru Ellis Island when they were about 16. He was a baker and Mimi first job was at a do nut shop as a teenager. One of her many skills she perfected over the years were these amazing cakes. Sandcastles, spider man and wonder woman, you name it she could create it. Always made birthdays and occasions so much better with one of Mimi's cakes. But that's another story.

Grandma Pat was a bartender, pretty unique in the 50's and at some point changed careers into real estate I believe. To be honest I'm not really sure what she did exactly. I remember a mustard colored blazer she would wear, but I was so young when she stopped working, all it is is a flash of a memory. I never asked, it never occurred to me to wonder what that blazer was for. Mimi was one of the oldest and helped care for her siblings when she married grandpa and blended their family into 8 or 9 kids. We didn't really know most of them. They didn't have a lot of money and I can only imagine how hard it was raising that many kids. I mean you four really give me a run for my money already!

When I was young we would spend whole weeks with them at a time, usually with my sister, your Aunt Chele. I always loved going there and would beg Mimi to let me stay longer. Grandpa Cozart worked for GM on the night shift. We would stay up super late playing Gin Rummy and laughing, waiting til grandpa was getting off work. We'd pick him up and go to a diner and eat whatever we wanted. We'd get home after 4am and sleep until noon. It was the best. I always loved staying up late, I swear there's a night owl gene. She taught me to make goulash and to use a cast iron skillet for sausage and gravy. She was not perfect by any means; she was a smoker and had a hard time throwing things away. Something that got worse once grandpa was gone and she was alone. She was active in her local Lions group and had quite a social life. Everyone loved Pat. She was funny, and kind, and as I knew her always said it straight.

When I was a bartender in NYC she would call at all hours of the night to chat because she knew I'd be up. One night, I was off but was restless. I found myself sitting alone at my local bar Ruby's. I knew the owner Stan and all the bartenders and most of the customers. The upper east side of Manhattan got really small when you worked and lived there and when you are in the service industry it's just part of the culture. You can't help but know a lot of people in the industry. She called that night and when I told her where I was and that I was alone she lost her shit. I don't remember ever hearing her sound scared in my life, but she was terrified. I laughed and said grandma this is normal now and thanks to women like her who trail-blazed our way, women were now equal to men and could do what we wanted. Naively, I didn't realize she was terrified for my safety. 

While I was living in New York, Mimi began researching her family tree and worked relentlessly to get grandma's parents documents in orders. Ellis Island erected a memorial and you could request their names be engraved on the sea of walls with the names of immigrants that came thru the harbor. It wasn't easy. Many documents were hard to find because names and spellings changed because the immigration officers wouldn't know how to spell or pronounce all these foreign names. They also had lied about their age to get here and many were much younger coming over than allowed. But eventually she got all the paper work and got their names on that wall.

Grandma Pat and Grandpa Cozart would often come see my dance performances in college and my senior year when they came to see my final performance we took the ferry over to the island. It was a gorgeous May day, warm with a cool breeze and not a cloud in the sky. I couldn't have been happier in that moment. I had a job lined up at Broadway Dance Center that would allow me to continue dancing for free and take time off to audition when I needed it, I was the first person graduating from college in the family and the ceremony was happening in a few days. The dance dept put on a gala every May that only the Senior Dancers were invited to and Mimi had surprised me with a gorgeous red dress that she had made to wear to it. It was stunning. My friends were my family in New York and we celebrated hard with parties, and dinners, and the future ahead. All things the seniors of 2020 have now lost due to this pandemic, and it makes me so sad for them.

When we arrived to Ellis Island and found their names in the maze of walls she stood there, staring at their names in silence. After a while, she gently lifted her hand and placed it softly over each of their names. Mimi and I were crying but she just stood there with her hand on their names. It was so beautiful. I never knew them but in that moment I saw how important that was for her and for Mimi. I wish I would've asked more stories about them, about her childhood, but when you are young you don't think of it and take for granted that they will be around to ask later. One day we will take that ferry ride together and I will show you your ancestors names engraved. It's such a beautiful site to see all the people that passed thru there.

When grandpa got sick again, I got the phone call from my mom and dad that things were getting worse. I was in a cab running late for work, another beautiful day in the city. I knew I had to get home and my parents booked me a flight for that night. I walked into the trendy rooftop bar where I was making good money, probably one of the best of many bar tending jobs I held during that time, and said I needed to leave. No remorse if they were going to fire me, I had to get to my family. Thankfully, they didn't and we covered my shifts and I was on my way. The flight to Detroit was delayed and I had a lay over in Cleveland ironically. We landed after midnight and I missed my connecting flight. I tried to rent a car, but I was too young and there was a very nice gentleman in line behind me. When my tears and pleading didn't work at the rental place I was sure I would never get to say goodbye to one of my superheros. Devastated I turned and went to find a place to sleep for a few hours until morning. That gentleman who overheard my irrational pleas came up to me and offered me a ride. I didn't hesitate and jumped in the car with a complete stranger. I called my parents and said I was on my way. The guy was engaged and talked about his fiance the entire time, I think to ease me that he wasn't out to attack me. Now don't think this gives you a pass if you do this. It was so stupid and thankfully everything worked out but it could've very easily gone a different direction.

As we pulled up to the hospital, there was grandma, hands on her hips and her lips pierced. I knew I was in trouble. I jumped out and walked up to her ready for a hug and she slapped me upside the head. I'd seen her do this to my siblings, uncles, whoever but she had never done it to me and I was stunned. She immediately grabbed me and hugged me so hard I thought my ribs would crack. She whispered in my ears, "if you ever pull a stunt like that again, I'm gonna do more than hit you over the head. But I am so happy you are here." I can't tell you how long we stood there just holding each other so tight. We were in that hospital for days, or maybe it was weeks I'm not really sure. Everyone was there and we took over the waiting room, taking turns sitting by his bed. It was the first time I ever had to say goodbye to someone who was essential in my life. I was so lucky to have all of my grandparents so present in my life.

Someone bought a big puzzle and we all took turns for hours putting it together. It helped pass the time and was a welcome distraction. Grandpa was close to the end and we were putting the last pieces of it together, everyone determined to finish that damn puzzle. We got to the end and were missing a piece. It was such a stressful moment, being in that hospital days on end, losing grandpa, and finishing that puzzle became this hugely important moment. When the piece was lost we were devastated.

At some point grandma came over, looked at it calmly and reached into her pocket. Still staring at the puzzle, she slowly pulled her hand out and put the final piece in the puzzle. We were furious, and relieved, and yelling, and then we were all laughing hysterically. She wanted to put that final piece in and literally stole it and just waited for her moment. It was genius, and perfect and exactly what we all needed to ease the tension and sorrow. She ended up framing that puzzle and it hung in her home from then on.

When your father and I fell in love and decided to move in together, he was living in the suburbs of Chicago. I had moved there in 2003 to be closer to family but still have the city life I loved. Grandma Pat came to visit our new home and we stood out on the balcony looking out over the pond that was behind the townhouse. She stood there quietly deep in thought and she asked me one simple question. "Will you be happy here, this is so different than what you are used to?" I looked at her and said "he is my home wherever that may be, so yes I will be happy here." That was all she needed to hear and welcomed your dad into her inner circle of love.

She partied with us at our engagement party, our co bachelor party at a dueling piano bar, and danced the night away at our wedding. She died with her family by her side, dramatically and quickly. It shook me to my core. Your dad and I were in Captiva and missed the family canoe trip on fathers day. When Mimi called to break the news I was broken and shook and the need to be with family overwhelmed me once again. I took it out on the one person I could and your dad and I had our worst fight we've ever had. He got me home and to the funeral just in time though, and even though we still challenge each other we vowed never to fight like that again.

There are so many questions I have for the people that I've loved who are gone now that I can never get answered. And as amazing as Grandma Pat was there are things I've learned that I can't wrap my head around. That I don't agree with or understand how she could make those decisions. But regardless of that I love her deeply and I want you to know her as I did. The stories you may yearn for one day.

I got to tell you one of those stories tonight. We are on our 2nd 1000pc quarantine puzzle and it was the perfect one. It was a map of Sanibel and Captiva with all our favorite spots highlighted. It was my perfect moment. I waited for the scream as you all knew I didn't want any pieces to fall to the ground and Rosie to grab them. I drilled it into you how much this puzzle meant to me and how upset I would be if we lost any pieces. And tonight it finally happened. They were devastated to lose a piece and were so sad to tell me. I walked calmly over to see, staring at the missing hole. Then I slowly reached up to the top shelf of the bookcase and pulled it down and quietly placed it in the puzzle. The shock on your faces was perfect, papa started laughing immediately knowing why and then we all started laughing and joking. It was perfect.

So kids, when you are in the next wave of hardship and just trying to survive, steal the puzzle piece and be the one to allow laughter and joy back in. I promise you, you will need it again one day.

Our Year in Review

Hello my friends!

It's been a while since I've published any posts even though I've been writing in the background. Too many things that stopped me from sharing, and sometimes you need to get across the raging sea before you can breathe again. It's good to be on the other side of this storm, and I am ready for you.

To catch you up, I need to take you back to a year ago. February 2019 was a moment in time that will stay with me forever. I've suffered from Endometriosis most of my life and the chronic pain associated with the disease was increasing dramatically. It was time to consider a cleanup surgery again or so I thought. When I found a new endo Dr. she immediately gave me an ultrasound and the tech blurts out "oh, this looks like Adenomyosis." WTF is that?!?! was all that was running thru my mind. I immediately started researching it and found that so many of these random symptoms I had suddenly made sense. When I was younger, this was something my mom always took care of; finding the best Dr.'s, asking a million questions, and finding out every possible option available. In that moment my world flipped upside down, I missed my mom terribly, and wondered in awe of how she navigated it all before google and social media. I found a Facebook group called Nancy's Nook that became my resource library (it is NOT a support group, FYI) filled with valuable information including a list of specialists. After feeling sorry for myself for a bit, I hiked up my big girl panties and got to work finding out everything I could. All roads were leading me to a hysterectomy, and although I had my miracle babies, I couldn't help but feel like this was a fail. Endometriosis by itself is not cured by a hysterectomy and my goal since I was 15 was to make it to menopause with all my organs in tact. Adenomyosis changed that instantly, and I knew that my health was more important than some naive goal we set when I was a young girl. I was scared, in so much pain, and missing my mom more than ever. She was my advocate, my support, my strength thru this disease my whole life, and I had no idea how I was going to fill that gap. Luckily, I had a team of people who love me that stepped in and each one whether they realize it or not, laid a plank in the bridge that carried me across that gap and I am forever grateful for their love and selflessness that helped me get better.

About the same time, my husband and I were at a cross roads in our business. We were suddenly free of a storefront lease and had a few months before food truck season would be in full swing. We could turn right and finally run our business the way we always dreamed of; or follow the road to the left. A road that would allow us to put my health and well being first, one that would bring us closer to family, and one that would give us time to be more involved in our children's demanding activities as they grew older. Which way to turn was weighing on us, whichever way we chose would not be an easy road to walk down. We had poured our blood, sweat, and tears into our business. We had put our health and well being on the back burner to push and push for the success we had and yet we were no longer happy or fulfilled by it. There's been several crossroads in my life and after a few you realize life will never be the same again. Whichever road you choose will lead you forward and if you allow your happiness point you where its calling you; even if it's not the same as the goal you laid out for yourself at the last crossroads, CHOOSE THAT PATH. It was time to follow our bliss yet again and not dictate where we think we should be, but to go where our family would thrive.

I found an endo expert back home in Chicago and went for a 2nd opinion. It became clear that surgery was imminent and recovery would be long and intense, requiring physical therapy and time to heal. As a mom, that is extremely difficult to accept. We try to shield our children from the pain, stress, and struggles we endure, but sometimes you just can't. These kids took it all with love in their hearts and when mommy could hardly move from the intense pain, we cuddled. They loved on me and showered me with hugs and kisses. Parents are the ones that are supposed to sacrifice and keep moving, but we are not always able to. No matter how hard I tried to ignore the progression; the pain just screamed louder. It was time to listen. By mid summer, Frankie had finished Little League, I had the surgery, and we were moving home to Chicago. Looking back at those months gives me some anxiety. How the hell did we do it all?

It was tough moving away from the village we cultivated, a city we personally and professionally were ingrained into the culture of the community, and where our children had grown from babies into big kids. They took it all in stride and ran with it; loving their new school, jumping into new sports and making new friends. We never give kids enough credit for the truly incredible humans they are. They amaze me with their tenacity and grit every single day. It was a whirlwind start to the school year, and everyone was in a really great place.

Having my husband there to help while I recovered was such a gift, and we took time to focus on our family and what we wanted our lives to look like. And while he did some soul searching of where his career would take him next; our family had a chance to just be present together. His patience and persistence paid off as he found an amazing job that respects and appreciates him, a place that challenges him, and gives him the opportunity to grow.

I've never been able to sit still for long, and as winter grew near it caught up to me. I started to look for work to help ease our budget and give us a little extra family fun. Figuring out what that looked like with busy kids and one still in half day pre-k was challenging; a full time job wasn't fitting that picture we had for our family and even part time with would be tough when the kids get sick, or going to the city once a week for PT along with numerous other Dr. appointments. How was I going to work without sacrificing my healing or being there for my kids?

Backing up for a moment to the fall of 2018 -- I was at wine, uh I mean book club, and I was hanging out with my friend Brittany and her curls were on fire. I had to know what she was using because mine were dull and lifeless and my daughters were gorgeous but frizzy. She introduced me to her friend Jen, and I started to learn about this amazing company. I was nervous at first because of my allergies, but she assured me if they didn't work I could get my money back. This sold me and I joined as a VIP. As the crazy hormonal drugs they put me on wreaked havoc on my body and hair she would always help guide me to new products to combat it. I was slowly transitioning the entire family to their products exclusively - even Rosemary, our puppy! To say I love them is an understatement. I've watched my hair change quite dramatically, and my daughter finally loves her amazing curls. I have some weird allergies so I have to be extremely careful what products I use and that includes helping my kids wash their hair. So to say I was hooked, another understatement. I feel really good that these products are not filled with heavy silicones and harsh chemicals; that they are vegan and plant based using anti-aging technology. Science is so cool, I totally nerd out when I learn how and why these products have such amazing results. She had mentioned the business opportunity, but I blew her off for a long time. I am not that girl, not gonna cold call (I tried a couple times in the beginning and it just felt icky - if I did this to you I'm apologizing now!!), not gonna do an MLM - it's a scam. But her willingness to help me, even though I had never met the girl, was impactful and slowly I started coming around. After several interviews and putting my resume on LinkedIn and indeed and even starting a new job that quickly proved to not be a good fit; it was becoming clear to me that a traditional job was not gonna cut it. Right now my husband's job needed to be on the fore front; I am still healing, and I wanted to be with my kids as much as possible. How could I contribute, feel fulfilled and motivated without getting back to work? I love being home with my kids but I also need balance in my life.

All of a sudden her offer was looking like something that might work for me. I figured I'm always gonna use these products, so why not get the biggest discount I could, BUT if I could allow our family of six to dine out one more time a month than we budgeted for, well, that would be a win. As soon as I signed up and made the scary leap into telling people on social media what I was up to; people responded and wanted to know more. I hit that goal of upping our family fun budget the first month I started. My goals are much bigger now.

It was an amazing feeling to actually be the one to help someone find a solution, to hear from people that their stylist is amazed at seeing real growth, how much they love the way their hair feels and looks. I have always loved hair and once upon a time maybe I should have taken that path to becoming a stylist. I've always believed that your hair is the one accessory you will always wear, so treat it like the crown it is! Now they have a new skin care line that I love too and don't ever have to worry about my allergies to chemicals because we doesn't use them. Ever.

But how do you move past your friends and family and build a real, sustainable business? If I won't cold call, how do you peak interest? What should I be doing to see results and not just scroll facebook praying someone reaches out on one of my posts? These were the questions going through my mind after I said yes. I began watching webinars, power hours with our team, and joining groups and all of a sudden I'm learning again, and I can work for 15min a day or an hour depending on my schedule and still make money! These coworkers that live all over the States, have quickly become my friends and one of my new goals is to meet them in person on our next incentive trip in November. Tell me you don't want to go on a free vacation with me?

I may have lost my village, but I am rebuilding with a tribe of drama free, hard working, badass women that I am proud to be on this journey with. It's inspired me to look inside and see who I am and that has pushed me to start writing again. And that makes me feel well, more like Jennifer. And that makes me incredibly happy. Looks like we chose the right path for us and I am excited to see where it leads next.

As I work on my next writing project, I will share snip-its as it develops, stories of my adventures thru life; and my world as a mama, writer, and shampoo slinger. More to come. Thanks for listening.