The Journey will never truly end and that's ok

Nearly 4 years ago I had my hysterectomy and after years of misdiagnosis, unnecessary surgeries, and a sudden decline in my health, I finally had a surgically confirmed diagnosis of Adenomyosis. 

It released me from the chronic pain and life I had lived most of my life, but when my doctor told me I had less than 1% chance of the endometriosis coming back and that I was truly free... well I didn't really know how to feel about it. I was relieved of course, I think I spontaneously cried over a dozen times, I spoke to the ether to tell my mom we did it and then cried some more that she wasn't here to see all her advocacy and strength and love had worked.

But the relief and maybe a bit of survivor's guilt would be short lived because the reality was there was a long road ahead of me. My tailbone pain would not give up the fight so easily and it would take 8 months of pelvic floor therapy to release the tendons that tightened up from years of tension, pain, and adhesions that had pulled my tailbone out of alignment. 

The struggle to get to a healthy weight and muscles fatigued and sore like I was constantly walking uphill. It's a battle I'm still in the midst of, but I am winning the war.

The anger that it took 6 years of rapid decline to get proper medical care. The fear that as I move past these diseases that we will be right back in it with our daughters. The anxiety didn't know it could stop. The morning body check to see what my pain level was that day. The injuries that would shadow me every time I began to get into a groove. Mentally letting go of old patterns that no longer served the new me and not even realizing I was doing it. I felt guilt for needing my family to sacrifice so much for me; I didn't feel worthy of it. I wanted to be over it all, but that feeling of being a burden to your loved ones is not released so easily either. I needed to be an example to my children, I felt like they only knew one part of who their mother was, and I had so much left to show them. To lead with love and hope and do the things scared, so that this version of me that we had all endured could be put to rest.

I knew part of that journey was finding joy in my own life, and I tackled this new lease on life I was given. Cured of these diseases but still so much work to do physically; I was anxious for this new start. I wanted something for me, but every job I looked at didn’t fit. The money was not worth the exchange of my time nor missing out on my family. I am an entrepreneur at heart, but the startup costs and time demands were too much for me to consider going back to that way of life either. I wanted it all, but no idea how.

I was attracted to working from home, on my own time, and with a company I was proud to stand beside. We were on a pretty tight budget, and I thought if I could at least pay for the products I loved; I wouldn’t have to give them up. It all started making more sense for me, but I was worried what people would think, still so skeptical of the business model. The products had given me my curls back, I loved that they were safe for me and my family and knew I could talk about them authentically, so I dived in scared. I would have no idea of the path ahead of me if I was just brave enough to put one foot in front of the other.

As I was preparing to go to my first in person conference, I hit yet another snag and the morning I left I broke my pinky toe. Another obstacle i put in my own way, but I felt the need to go and I’m so glad I did - the energy, seeing old friends, and meeting new ones; it was electric. 

Then Tony Robbins came on stage, and everything changed. I think I had tears streaming down my face for the full 4-5 hours he walked us thru a sped-up training session. He spoke to the science of personal development and changing the old patterns that were hardwired in; it all just started clicking for me. I immediately signed up for his workshop; shell shocked to find patterns that were hardwired in me from 30+ years of chronic pain and illness, having to advocate for my health despite medical professionals gaslighting me. My body was cured of these diseases, but I needed to free my mind of them too.

It was not an easy path. I was humbled. I came face to face with my fears. I received clarity as to why I had so much anxiety at night, and I hated falling asleep. Because I was scared of what the new day would bring me. I've tried for years to be a morning person and every time I try to wake early, I'd self-sabotage all night long. 

And finally, I found gratitude. Because I can blame a lot on these diseases, but I can thank them for just as much if not more. I am incredibly driven to succeed. I can multitask like a mother. I am voice for other women who are marginalized still living with these diseases. I am the best person to advocate for my daughter's well-being. If these diseases come near them - I've got the tools and resources so that they will not live a lifetime of pain like I have. I am empathetic and a listening ear. I know how to listen to my body and give myself grace when it needs it. I can speak intelligently about women's health and reproductive rights. I am helping school nurses here in Illinois get the training and information needed to help young girls recognize the signs of this disease because early detection is vital. We need to close the gap. And I will continue to be a voice for those who have none. I will share my story candidly and openly so that others may feel less alone in their own journey. 

It wasn't a cure all, one and done situation. Consistency, choosing to be grateful, and appreciating all the time I have ahead of me. 

I needed to break the patterns I used to survive so that i can thrive in the now. 

Finally free physically, and now mentally too. The next chapter is going to be epic, and I can't wait to see where this journey takes me next.