My Endo Journey - Pt 3

This time the pain would not be going away like the first time. But the surgery took me from a base line pain level of 6/7 to a 2/3. 

You can function at a 2/3 and so we went back to the continuous birth control. Back to writing another letter justifying why I needed such a "drastic" prescription. I got really good at sharing my personal health journey with strangers.

The biggest problem with manipulating your period, though is that you are forcing your body and hormones not to shift as they naturally would. So if I missed a pill by a half hour my pain level would jump to a 5 by nightfall. And if I forgot all together I'd go down for a few days my body unable to adjust so rapidly to the shift in hormones. Getting a script of Vicodin during these years was as simple as calling my dr in Michigan. I had his office on speed dial.

After my surgery I could focus on regaining my strength, and playing catch-up to the other dancers. I had fallen behind in skill and was struggling to keep up. I did an eight week summer intensive at Alvin Ailey that summer; trying to get back on track. It was an incredible experience dancing in those studios amongst such history, immense talent, and incredible teachers. 

But in what would become a constant circle, the endo would flare up and I would hardly be able to move let alone rollerblade clear across Manhattan from the upper east side all the way to the Ailey School. So I didn't catch up as much as I needed to and yet my dance director still advanced me. Maybe out of pity or maybe because I wanted it so desperately - naive of what the constant comparison and feelings of inadequacy would do to my confidence. 

My body also had changed dramatically. We were messing with my hormones so much from the chemo they injected me with for 6 months and this constant battle my body was fighting against the birth control; it was all bound to have some effect. I went back to healthy albeit still incredibly thin weight but my chest had grown from a small B cup to a D cup. It threw my center of balance off and it was nearly impossible to relearn. I couldn't turn well, my jumps were heavier. My body felt foreign to me. 

I didn't know what endo belly was at the time, but now it makes sense. One teacher would literally pat my belly and say 'oh i see that bagel you had this morning.' It was embarrassing and also infuriating because I would be so swollen that food was the last thing I could stomach. I drank slim fast to lose the belly weight and it was the only thing I could get down some days. 

My grades in my dance classes suffered. We were graded on weight and despite being rail thin with a bloated abdomen I never got above a B-. Because of it my gpa dropped. The dance director told be in my "final" senior interview that 'my tits and ass might get my a job, but my dancing never will.' I was devastated by that. I can still feel my heart falling into my stomach, holding back tears just to get thru the rest of my interview.

I was the first person on either side of my family to graduate from college - I wanted it to be with honors, but I was 0.1 away from magna cum laude. I wonder if I had been properly placed in ballet class, would I have been graded so harshly? Instead of feeling the disappointment in the harsh and ignorant grading and emotional abuse, maybe I would've felt like I had achieved something huge against all odds? Would that perspective have altered my mindset? 

------

#endometriosis #womensrightsarehumanrights #proroe