Between Grief and Gratitude

Hey mama, guess what? 

Sydney was in her first theater production this week! It's her first time on stage and I was blown away by how confident she was. She knew her marks and the choreography; leading the way for the rest of the girls. Pride overwhelming at her fearlessness. 

I've kinda stayed away if I'm honest. I didn't do it on purpose but it is odd behavior of me not to jump in and volunteer. The week leading up to it felt so strange to just drop her off and go. I told myself it was because the other kids have things too and I need to stop stretching myself so thin. But what I realized at the opening night last night that it was much more than that.

From the moment I saw her on stage it was as if I was submerged in a raging sea, being tossed like a rag doll between grief and gratitude; joy and anger. It was all I could do to stop from weeping. 

It hit me so hard. I can usually feel it coming on. An anniversary or birthday; the holidays... but this one I ignored the  buildup refusing to acknowledge it until it became too much to bear.

You would've loved this moment so much. I'm sure you would be making her costume and helping backstage with me. It would've been such a moment for the three of us. So many moments you should be apart of that when I'm not prepared they end up sucker punching me right in the gut.

If you were here you would tell me not to live in that space for too long. That I need to forge a new path, new norms and our own memories as she takes on this new passion for the stage. And I promise I will. 

Gratitude for the skills you gave me to do this thing called motherhood. The space to find my own way. And the joy of so many memories in the theater together. I want that for her too.

Walking out of the theater last night I began wading upstream amongst the cast and proud parents and family to find her, happiness taking over. Of course she was one of the last ones out... reminding me of me.  When she saw her teacher and good friend she bear hugged my arm and tucked herself behind me. She hasn't done that since they had to rip her from my arms in the carpool line for preschool. I laughed so hard at the joy I felt in that moment; it made me realize that her and I got this. 

We've got some exciting days ahead of us that I am going to dive into with a full heart. Joy calming the raging sea once again; with a gentle rock - finding the space between grief and gratitude to settle in. Letting you ride the waves with us.