Our Year in Review

Hello my friends!

It's been a while since I've published any posts even though I've been writing in the background. Too many things that stopped me from sharing, and sometimes you need to get across the raging sea before you can breathe again. It's good to be on the other side of this storm, and I am ready for you.

To catch you up, I need to take you back to a year ago. February 2019 was a moment in time that will stay with me forever. I've suffered from Endometriosis most of my life and the chronic pain associated with the disease was increasing dramatically. It was time to consider a cleanup surgery again or so I thought. When I found a new endo Dr. she immediately gave me an ultrasound and the tech blurts out "oh, this looks like Adenomyosis." WTF is that?!?! was all that was running thru my mind. I immediately started researching it and found that so many of these random symptoms I had suddenly made sense. When I was younger, this was something my mom always took care of; finding the best Dr.'s, asking a million questions, and finding out every possible option available. In that moment my world flipped upside down, I missed my mom terribly, and wondered in awe of how she navigated it all before google and social media. I found a Facebook group called Nancy's Nook that became my resource library (it is NOT a support group, FYI) filled with valuable information including a list of specialists. After feeling sorry for myself for a bit, I hiked up my big girl panties and got to work finding out everything I could. All roads were leading me to a hysterectomy, and although I had my miracle babies, I couldn't help but feel like this was a fail. Endometriosis by itself is not cured by a hysterectomy and my goal since I was 15 was to make it to menopause with all my organs in tact. Adenomyosis changed that instantly, and I knew that my health was more important than some naive goal we set when I was a young girl. I was scared, in so much pain, and missing my mom more than ever. She was my advocate, my support, my strength thru this disease my whole life, and I had no idea how I was going to fill that gap. Luckily, I had a team of people who love me that stepped in and each one whether they realize it or not, laid a plank in the bridge that carried me across that gap and I am forever grateful for their love and selflessness that helped me get better.

About the same time, my husband and I were at a cross roads in our business. We were suddenly free of a storefront lease and had a few months before food truck season would be in full swing. We could turn right and finally run our business the way we always dreamed of; or follow the road to the left. A road that would allow us to put my health and well being first, one that would bring us closer to family, and one that would give us time to be more involved in our children's demanding activities as they grew older. Which way to turn was weighing on us, whichever way we chose would not be an easy road to walk down. We had poured our blood, sweat, and tears into our business. We had put our health and well being on the back burner to push and push for the success we had and yet we were no longer happy or fulfilled by it. There's been several crossroads in my life and after a few you realize life will never be the same again. Whichever road you choose will lead you forward and if you allow your happiness point you where its calling you; even if it's not the same as the goal you laid out for yourself at the last crossroads, CHOOSE THAT PATH. It was time to follow our bliss yet again and not dictate where we think we should be, but to go where our family would thrive.

I found an endo expert back home in Chicago and went for a 2nd opinion. It became clear that surgery was imminent and recovery would be long and intense, requiring physical therapy and time to heal. As a mom, that is extremely difficult to accept. We try to shield our children from the pain, stress, and struggles we endure, but sometimes you just can't. These kids took it all with love in their hearts and when mommy could hardly move from the intense pain, we cuddled. They loved on me and showered me with hugs and kisses. Parents are the ones that are supposed to sacrifice and keep moving, but we are not always able to. No matter how hard I tried to ignore the progression; the pain just screamed louder. It was time to listen. By mid summer, Frankie had finished Little League, I had the surgery, and we were moving home to Chicago. Looking back at those months gives me some anxiety. How the hell did we do it all?

It was tough moving away from the village we cultivated, a city we personally and professionally were ingrained into the culture of the community, and where our children had grown from babies into big kids. They took it all in stride and ran with it; loving their new school, jumping into new sports and making new friends. We never give kids enough credit for the truly incredible humans they are. They amaze me with their tenacity and grit every single day. It was a whirlwind start to the school year, and everyone was in a really great place.

Having my husband there to help while I recovered was such a gift, and we took time to focus on our family and what we wanted our lives to look like. And while he did some soul searching of where his career would take him next; our family had a chance to just be present together. His patience and persistence paid off as he found an amazing job that respects and appreciates him, a place that challenges him, and gives him the opportunity to grow.

I've never been able to sit still for long, and as winter grew near it caught up to me. I started to look for work to help ease our budget and give us a little extra family fun. Figuring out what that looked like with busy kids and one still in half day pre-k was challenging; a full time job wasn't fitting that picture we had for our family and even part time with would be tough when the kids get sick, or going to the city once a week for PT along with numerous other Dr. appointments. How was I going to work without sacrificing my healing or being there for my kids?

Backing up for a moment to the fall of 2018 -- I was at wine, uh I mean book club, and I was hanging out with my friend Brittany and her curls were on fire. I had to know what she was using because mine were dull and lifeless and my daughters were gorgeous but frizzy. She introduced me to her friend Jen, and I started to learn about this amazing company. I was nervous at first because of my allergies, but she assured me if they didn't work I could get my money back. This sold me and I joined as a VIP. As the crazy hormonal drugs they put me on wreaked havoc on my body and hair she would always help guide me to new products to combat it. I was slowly transitioning the entire family to their products exclusively - even Rosemary, our puppy! To say I love them is an understatement. I've watched my hair change quite dramatically, and my daughter finally loves her amazing curls. I have some weird allergies so I have to be extremely careful what products I use and that includes helping my kids wash their hair. So to say I was hooked, another understatement. I feel really good that these products are not filled with heavy silicones and harsh chemicals; that they are vegan and plant based using anti-aging technology. Science is so cool, I totally nerd out when I learn how and why these products have such amazing results. She had mentioned the business opportunity, but I blew her off for a long time. I am not that girl, not gonna cold call (I tried a couple times in the beginning and it just felt icky - if I did this to you I'm apologizing now!!), not gonna do an MLM - it's a scam. But her willingness to help me, even though I had never met the girl, was impactful and slowly I started coming around. After several interviews and putting my resume on LinkedIn and indeed and even starting a new job that quickly proved to not be a good fit; it was becoming clear to me that a traditional job was not gonna cut it. Right now my husband's job needed to be on the fore front; I am still healing, and I wanted to be with my kids as much as possible. How could I contribute, feel fulfilled and motivated without getting back to work? I love being home with my kids but I also need balance in my life.

All of a sudden her offer was looking like something that might work for me. I figured I'm always gonna use these products, so why not get the biggest discount I could, BUT if I could allow our family of six to dine out one more time a month than we budgeted for, well, that would be a win. As soon as I signed up and made the scary leap into telling people on social media what I was up to; people responded and wanted to know more. I hit that goal of upping our family fun budget the first month I started. My goals are much bigger now.

It was an amazing feeling to actually be the one to help someone find a solution, to hear from people that their stylist is amazed at seeing real growth, how much they love the way their hair feels and looks. I have always loved hair and once upon a time maybe I should have taken that path to becoming a stylist. I've always believed that your hair is the one accessory you will always wear, so treat it like the crown it is! Now they have a new skin care line that I love too and don't ever have to worry about my allergies to chemicals because we doesn't use them. Ever.

But how do you move past your friends and family and build a real, sustainable business? If I won't cold call, how do you peak interest? What should I be doing to see results and not just scroll facebook praying someone reaches out on one of my posts? These were the questions going through my mind after I said yes. I began watching webinars, power hours with our team, and joining groups and all of a sudden I'm learning again, and I can work for 15min a day or an hour depending on my schedule and still make money! These coworkers that live all over the States, have quickly become my friends and one of my new goals is to meet them in person on our next incentive trip in November. Tell me you don't want to go on a free vacation with me?

I may have lost my village, but I am rebuilding with a tribe of drama free, hard working, badass women that I am proud to be on this journey with. It's inspired me to look inside and see who I am and that has pushed me to start writing again. And that makes me feel well, more like Jennifer. And that makes me incredibly happy. Looks like we chose the right path for us and I am excited to see where it leads next.

As I work on my next writing project, I will share snip-its as it develops, stories of my adventures thru life; and my world as a mama, writer, and shampoo slinger. More to come. Thanks for listening.

Waves

The best words that resonate with me to explain grief describe it in terms of waves. You never quite know when the tide is coming in, when you will get sucked down in the undercurrent, or have the tiniest ripple throw you off balance. And so I keep moving forward despite the flash flood warnings. I do allow myself to cry because she deserves those tears. Her life was cut short, cut fast and it left us all a bit thrown to the wind. 

Soon we will be travelling home to put my mom's ashes to rest. I knew this day was coming, my dad took his time with the design of the tombstone, he asked us our opinion and adjusted; making sure we were all happy. When it was ready we then had to find the time, rather make the time, to gather back together and do this. It seems odd, she didn't seem like the type to want to be put in the ground, but then she did buy up the entire section where her parents and brother and sister in law lay at rest. If you believe in spirits at least they got each other to hang out with. And I never quite got the whole ashes thing until I gave birth to my fourth child three months later and this tiny mini urn my dad brought to the hospital was my beacon, my something still to focus on. I wrote about that experience here. It still does calm me.

 I remember the week our lives derailed like it was yesterday. Being in upstate New York for a wedding where the twins were the sweetest flower girl and escort you ever did see, my parents on a mini vacation to Nashville for their anniversary. I came home that weekend sore (I was 8 months pregnant with my third) and tired, but happy. Getting the phone call that something was happening to mom was scary and even though I googled every last option, I didn't let myself think the worst. Gathering our lives to travel to Michigan a few days later to be by her side. Calling my oldest friend to tell her, it was the first time I spoke the words out loud; my voice breaking from heartache because even without the diagnosis yet I knew it was bad. Sitting with my dad, sister, and brother those moments getting the news that it was stage 4 brain cancer. Walking out to fall into my husbands arms. The look of scared anticipation and then sorrow as we broke the news. These moments flash in my head; sometimes enraging a hurricane and other times its just gets me - a twinge right in my heart and takes my breath away. I never know which way the storm will turn until I am safely on the other side.

 I have felt quite removed lately. Not from my grief, but from being so raw and open. The feelings are still there but there is an understanding between us now. When you lose one of your persons it alters you but I have found some clarity in who I am because of her. I miss her daily, I am angry she's missing out on the life she sacrificed so much to cultivate, but I feel loved. I actually feel her love so completely and it warms me from the inside. I feel the love from the amazing family, friends, and the incredible village of extraordinary mothers I have around me. I feel the love of my soulmate and best friend and our 4 minions. My dad is gearing up to sell our childhood home and I should be sad about it but I'm not. I am excited for him to start a new chapter in his life. When the house is gone I wonder I how I will feel then.

So gearing up for this trip I was a bit surprised that it has been a roller coaster of emotions. I am going a million miles a minute with my husband while we grow our business; exhausted from being mother, maid and servant to the house; and fearing the tsunami that we are driving directly into. To say I've been on edge is a bit of an understatement. Normally this would send me into a tornado destroying everything in its path, but this time it's different. I am more aware, I am trying new approaches, and I hope I am handling this crazy thing called life with just a little better perspective. When I had to talk to my young children about going to the cemetery I was worried I would get zapped, but again to my surprise it was an amazing little conversation. They miss Mimi too and talking about that sadness and embracing our feelings made them so accepting and calm. Instead of being scared they hugged me and referred to Ash Wednesday and the body of Christ (Thank you PSR). Making the connection all on their own and they were not freaked out but totally got it. We hugged for awhile and then talked about being with our family we don't get to see nearly enough and not a tear was shed. I'm guessing there will be more questions after, but I'm not worried. If anything I welcome it. Let's talk about what it means to love fiercely, without judgement, and why we squeeze a little harder when we hug our loved ones.  I used to think they were for her, but I know better now. It is in my saddest moments the feeling of her amazing hugs linger around me. I am so grateful to feel to my core that I was loved, that I am loved. I hope my dad feels that and everyone that has ever felt her love feels it too. It's a pretty incredible feeling. My focus now is to shower my beautiful family with that kind of power so that there is never a doubt in their hearts, souls, or minds. My greatest gift I hope to give is for them to always be able to feel my love - long after my physical presence is gone.

"Give the ones you love wings to fly, roots to come back, and reasons to stay." -- Dalai Lama XIV

A Just Born Photo Shoot

 I must have been about 10-12 years old when my mom tried her artistic touch at photography and got one of those fancy digital cameras that are now on every new moms must have list. One of the only times she ever splurged on something for herself when I was young that I can remember. We would spend hours dressing in my dance costumes, a new dress she made me or just fooling around in the backyard between the trees. Mostly it was portrait style. We would hang a sheet, she had a big light reflector thing and her fancy camera. For years we did this as my love for dance grew along with my not so hidden dreams of modeling. I was rail thin and confident and we had fun playing around. We tried countless times to capture my battement at the very top height, toes kissing the sky far above my head. I learned how to angle my head just so to capture the best version of myself, and how to jut my chin straight forward to eliminate any chance of a double chin.

I've been told I can't take a bad picture, but that's silly of course I can. Before the age of digital I typically carried the camera, developed the film and threw away the bad pictures. It is a science though to know your face, the best angle to tilt to automatically and most times I nailed it. Looking better in photos than in person most cases. Something I have always been ok with, photos last longer after all.

So pregnant with my fourth child, sitting in a PTA committee meeting I learned of one moms passion of documenting the first moments of a baby's arrival and of the family as they meet their new bundle of joy. Years ago my initial reaction would have been -- not in a million years. A photographer at the hospital hours after a c-section, dopey from anesthesia, and no chance of prettifying myself? Please. Ask me 6 years ago, never, but 3 years ago, when my mother was still so vibrant before the tumor stole so much? I would give anything to have those moments captured.

 

This is my favorite picture maybe ever ofSydney  and Mimi together and it still doesn't capture all the joy I know she felt being able to hold that little girl.

 

It wasn't even on my radar though. The posey pics, you know the ones with the adorable hats and newborn faces propped up on the hands that make you swoon, I wanted those. I tried capturing that myself and let's just say its a skill to prop babies in those crazy poses.

 

So when Tracy offered, asked to "practice" on our family I didn't hesitate to say yes. I say "practice" in quotations because the girl has skills, and talent, and a grace that makes you feel as though she's a normal presence in the most intimate moment of your life. To see more of her brilliant talent check out her online gallery and if you live in the Cleveland area she is the cherry on top of the sundae.

 

I was nervous of course to be caught forever on film looking horrid and at my heaviest, but I pushed it down because to have these pictures forever of our youngest son and his first moments, our 3 other beautiful children gaining a new sibling, my father and mother in law in their first embrace with their youngest grandchild, respectively, well it's all priceless. My ego had no play in this decision. If I were to do it again, which I am not, I would beg Tracy to fit me into her soon to be thriving business.

 

 

 

I love this shot for many reasons. First Veronica's curiosity makes my heart melt, Frankie's excitement is hardly contained and that Sydney has no idea that life is changing forever as soon as she walks through that door.

 

 
 
 

Nana and Levi's first snuggle

 A papa showering him with love enough for 2

 

These 3 kiddo's experiencing unconditional love and excitement. Moment's that would have been lost on everyone...

 

 

Frankie wanted a brother so badly and you can see the tenderness in his embrace and the love that is just beginning. I hope he will always be thankful for this little guy.

 

This girl when she walked in the door looked so grown up to me. In a matter of a day she went from being Baby Sydney to Siddy Girl and my breath was taken away seeing her so big.

 

A father's first kiss

 

Forever our first family photo

 My dad had whispered he brought a small piece of mom to be with us before I went in to surgery and the first thing my husband did when we made it to our room was set the tiny urn high above to watch over us. There were so many moments that I just stared at it and I could feel her love so completely with having just a small tangible token of her. It calmed me in a way that I still don't fully understand.

Before I would have thought this creepy and I debated whether to even share these photos of my mom's urn. I wouldn't have understood the comfort this could bring before my mom passed away. When I was pregnant with the twins, I was on bed rest, spent a few nights in the hospital and ultimately developed preeclampsia and had to have an emergency C-section. In the moment I had a false sense of confidence that it would all be ok. It was more the difficulties we would endure - not seeing my son for 24 hours because he was in the NICU, the magnesium that prevented me from standing for 24hours and throwing a tissue box at my husbands head so that he would wake up and bring our daughter to me to feed. I'm sure my parents and in-laws were sick with worry, but I didn't get that. Not then. It was all going to  be fine and it was. It's not until the worst happens that you forever fear when the next shoe will drop.

 

This being my 3rd C-section I was relatively calm about the whole procedure, but its always in the operating room waiting for the spinal that is the hardest moment for me. Panic sets in as all these masked unknown people buzz around you getting ready for surgery. Missing my husband and screaming on the inside for my mommy.  When they took 3 tries to get it placed correctly I wasn't even trying to hide the pain or sadness and was openly weeping into the pillow they give you to hug; praying for the numbness to sweep over me. It took a long time to sew me back together again and even when we were all safe and in recovery I still felt the impeding doom lurking around the corner. Being able to glance up and see her presence calmed me and I could feel her in a moment that I so desperately needed her. This blog has become more about documenting my experiences for my children so that one day they will have this as a reference, as a comfort, and as knowledge of who I was at these most intimate moments.

 

As the year has progressed we have since hired Tracy to document the 1 year anniversary of our business and Levi's baptism and I am converted. I don't want posed pictures, I want the moments captured. Because of her talent I will remember this day more vividly, with more intensity and am immediately transported back with every ounce of emotion felt that day. Forever thankful and grateful of her gift.

Mama and Levi's first snuggles