Saturday, December 21, 2013
Hope, I've begun to hate this word. Hold on to hope, don't give up hope, hope for a better whatever. Yada, yada, yada... Normally I smile and thank the person for the blanket response, how could they possibly know better? That's what you say when there is nothing else to say and you want to bring comfort to someone. But it feels more like a set up to be let down, or a silly fancy for the young at heart rather than anything comforting or tangible. I just couldn't do it again. Maybe it was the open accepted space of this particular yoga class that when asked, allowed me to feel the freedom to speak my mind. I just didn't want to start class in a lie. He meant well, as everyone who has uttered these words to me over the last 16 months has. It's what you say when bad things happen, as if the idea things might get better allows you to keep moving forward unchanged by the redirection of your path. But you can't. The good and the bad shape our spirits and the path gets moved and you have to adjust, adapt, and change. There are circumstances where hope doesn't get a voice. You smile and move forward all the while the voice you push down is anger and sadness and if you have to face the disappointment of hope it might just be the thing to tip the scale. Every time I hear it I feel like I've been kicked in the gut. So today I told a yogi I don't believe in hope. He was so gracious, so accepting of my feelings that I actually felt relief. It felt good to speak my truth, but it's not entirely true; I have not given up hope. I have so many hopes and dreams, they've just lost the ability to hold any weight in how I feel today. Screw hope, give me love. That is real, tangible, and something I wake up having and go to bed with every night. The only thing that brings me comfort. I am living moment to moment, hug to smile to bedtime kisses. Pain and heartache and joy and laughter never felt sweeter. As long as I have love, hope can stay in the corner. You're not out; just moved to the penalty box.
I started this blog in order to capture the moments that fly by as a mother of twins +1 + 1 one more! However, it seems it has become a tool for me to reflect on the changes motherhood has brought and a window into the world as I see it. So as much as this will be about the twinning lifestyle it is also about a girl and her journey into the realm of mama and everything that entails. The name of my blog is inspired by my oldest son, who for his entire third year of life started every thought, question, and statement with; 'hey mama, guess what?! It has been an interesting experience having a 2 singletons AFTER the twins. My husband and I appreciate things in a totally different way and are constantly caught off guard at how different it is. Nutrition has become a passion of mine and I am learning more about the how's and why's of eating cleaner. I have lived in New York City, Chicago, and now we have settled (for the time being anyway) in Cleveland. We are exploring this new city and that is always an adventure. I love to travel and am a bit of a foodie. This is my diary of sorts to hold onto the moments that go by way too fast when we forget to stop moving.