I must have been about 10-12 years old when my mom tried her artistic touch at photography and got one of those fancy digital cameras that are now on every new moms must have list. One of the only times she ever splurged on something for herself when I was young that I can remember. We would spend hours dressing in my dance costumes, a new dress she made me or just fooling around in the backyard between the trees. Mostly it was portrait style. We would hang a sheet, she had a big light reflector thing and her fancy camera. For years we did this as my love for dance grew along with my not so hidden dreams of modeling. I was rail thin and confident and we had fun playing around. We tried countless times to capture my battement at the very top height, toes kissing the sky far above my head. I learned how to angle my head just so to capture the best version of myself, and how to jut my chin straight forward to eliminate any chance of a double chin.
I've been told I can't take a bad picture, but that's silly of course I can. Before the age of digital I typically carried the camera, developed the film and threw away the bad pictures. It is a science though to know your face, the best angle to tilt to automatically and most times I nailed it. Looking better in photos than in person most cases. Something I have always been ok with, photos last longer after all.
So pregnant with my fourth child, sitting in a PTA committee meeting I learned of one moms passion of documenting the first moments of a baby's arrival and of the family as they meet their new bundle of joy. Years ago my initial reaction would have been -- not in a million years. A photographer at the hospital hours after a c-section, dopey from anesthesia, and no chance of prettifying myself? Please. Ask me 6 years ago, never, but 3 years ago, when my mother was still so vibrant before the tumor stole so much? I would give anything to have those moments captured.
|This is my favorite picture maybe ever ofSydney and Mimi together and it still doesn't capture all the joy I know she felt being able to hold that little girl.|
It wasn't even on my radar though. The posey pics, you know the ones with the adorable hats and newborn faces propped up on the hands that make you swoon, I wanted those. I tried capturing that myself and let's just say its a skill to prop babies in those crazy poses.
So when Tracy offered, asked to "practice" on our family I didn't hesitate to say yes. I say "practice" in quotations because the girl has skills, and talent, and a grace that makes you feel as though she's a normal presence in the most intimate moment of your life. To see more of her brilliant talent check out her online gallery and if you live in the Cleveland area she is the cherry on top of the sundae.
I was nervous of course to be caught forever on film looking horrid and at my heaviest, but I pushed it down because to have these pictures forever of our youngest son and his first moments, our 3 other beautiful children gaining a new sibling, my father and mother in law in their first embrace with their youngest grandchild, respectively, well it's all priceless. My ego had no play in this decision. If I were to do it again, which I am not, I would beg Tracy to fit me into her soon to be thriving business.
I love this shot for many reasons. First Veronica's curiosity makes my heart melt, Frankie's excitement is hardly contained and that Sydney has no idea that life is changing forever as soon as she walks through that door.
|Nana and Levi's first snuggle|
|A papa showering him with love enough for 2|
These 3 kiddo's experiencing unconditional love and excitement. Moment's that would have been lost on everyone...
|Frankie wanted a brother so badly and you can see the tenderness in his embrace and the love that is just beginning. I hope he will always be thankful for this little guy.|
|This girl when she walked in the door looked so grown up to me. In a matter of a day she went from being Baby Sydney to Siddy Girl and my breath was taken away seeing her so big.|
|Forever our first family photo|
Before I would have thought this creepy and I debated whether to even share these photos of my mom's urn. I wouldn't have understood the comfort this could bring before my mom passed away. When I was pregnant with the twins, I was on bed rest, spent a few nights in the hospital and ultimately developed preeclampsia and had to have an emergency C-section. In the moment I had a false sense of confidence that it would all be ok. It was more the difficulties we would endure - not seeing my son for 24 hours because he was in the NICU, the magnesium that prevented me from standing for 24hours and throwing a tissue box at my husbands head so that he would wake up and bring our daughter to me to feed. I'm sure my parents and in-laws were sick with worry, but I didn't get that. Not then. It was all going to be fine and it was. It's not until the worst happens that you forever fear when the next shoe will drop.
This being my 3rd C-section I was relatively calm about the whole procedure, but its always in the operating room waiting for the spinal that is the hardest moment for me. Panic sets in as all these masked unknown people buzz around you getting ready for surgery. Missing my husband and screaming on the inside for my mommy. When they took 3 tries to get it placed correctly I wasn't even trying to hide the pain or sadness and was openly weeping into the pillow they give you to hug; praying for the numbness to sweep over me. It took a long time to sew me back together again and even when we were all safe and in recovery I still felt the impeding doom lurking around the corner. Being able to glance up and see her presence calmed me and I could feel her in a moment that I so desperately needed her. This blog has become more about documenting my experiences for my children so that one day they will have this as a reference, as a comfort, and as knowledge of who I was at these most intimate moments.
As the year has progressed we have since hired Tracy to document the 1 year anniversary of our business and Levi's baptism and I am converted. I don't want posed pictures, I want the moments captured. Because of her talent I will remember this day more vividly, with more intensity and am immediately transported back with every ounce of emotion felt that day. Forever thankful and grateful of her gift.
|Mama and Levi's first snuggles|